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Forums : The Claymore Monument Steps > The Commoner: If You Are Reading This Sentence You Are Already Guilty!
kartikeya200 (Member) 7/19/2009 3:33 PM EST : The Commoner: If You Are Reading This Sentence You Ar...
kartikeya200
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The following newspaper inexplicably appears overnight in both Qeynos and Freeport, and a little later in Kelethin, Gorowyn, and even Neriak. Shoved under doors, left in mailboxes, posted in taverns, and dropped onto porches, it's:

The Commoner 

If You Are Reading This Sentence, You Are Already Guilty!
Stop In And Read a Bit More In That Case

Greetings, Citizens! We hope your day has been pleasant and profitable. Today we'd like to talk about a terrible crime known as reading. It has long been known that so much as reading our publication is grounds for swift and immediate execution, but in light of the recent released reminder of such, we here at the Commoner would like to better inform you, our valued reader, as to just how guilty you are.

Just reading the headline was enough to get you killed, for instance, so you're already in for a penny, in for a pound. Are you holding this paper? That could be considered possession, which is equally punishable by unpleasant doom. If you're reading it out loud to someone else, well! We're not entirely sure what sentence such a horrible crime warrants, but given the recent trend, we would also guess death. It's just a hunch.

The recent missive encourages that all loyal, patriotic, free Citizens report such publications to the proper authorities, and assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. Rewarded indeed! Remember that by reading this sentence RIGHT NOW, you are committing a crime! Your proper reward is the execution pit. Did you glimpse the title as your neighbor hid the paper from you? That's death! Did you spy a word out of the corner of your eye? Death! Are you arresting someone for possessing this paper? Arrest yourself, lawbreaker! Or read on, you're already guilty!

In truth, dearest readers, there is only one way to be sure that you will never be guilty of committing this heinous crime. Never read a single thing again. Well, and you could also pluck out your eyes. We hear that's a very fashionable thing amongst Feerrott Thulians. You could be considered daring and exotic! But we really don't recommend that.

But Commoner, you might be asking, if you have read this far and are therefore already doomed. What can we do if we are reading this right now? Well, dear readers, shame on you. Shame, shame. The proper thing to do of course is to jump into the execution pit. But as we'd be very sad to lose our valued readership, the only other thing to do is to never speak a word of this to anyone. It's not very patriotic, we admit, but it may save your life. Remember, if you read enough to know this is an illegal publication, you're guilty of seditious acts, and reporting such to the proper authorities, as is proper, is also turning yourself in. Of course, we would never advocate such disloyal behavior!

That said, we would like to offer a welcoming shout out to our newest criminals, especially any and all members of the Freeport Militia and the Knights of Freeport! Hello! Please, enjoy your new status and have a pleasant and profitable day. Or jump in the execution pit as duty requires.

 

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