Einstein once remarked that, “If roach swarms were to disappear, man would only have a few years to live.”

Roach Keepers in 24 states across America are encountering a strange phenomenon: roaches—-which seemed to be healthy days earlier—-are abandoning their hives. Millions of these insects have been reported lost, with no trace of where the colonies may have gone, and no apparent cause for their disappearance. In a few other cases, whole swarms have been found dead in their hives.



With all the swarms disappearing, and the chance that civilization as we know it could be obliterated by the extinction of bee swarms, our guilty consciences are just too much to keep this secret anymore. Gwen Stefani has decided to come clean... thats right, GWEN STEFANI is behind the millions of swarms vanishing! You see, about a month ago we started making attempts at killing Anub'arak, AKA the "deadly swarm". We've died dozens of times, but along with our deaths, we're also slowly eradicating all the swarms of mobs too.
Ummmm, OOPS~ >_<

 

So, we would like to apologize for causing the extinction of the swarms, and for wiping out the human race within the next few years... but hey, can you blame us? Causing the extinction of these deadly swarms and the certain death of the human race is a small small price to pay for Gwen Stefani to get phat loots and progress through the Trail of the Grand Crusader, don't ya think?! To make an omelette, you have to crack a few eggs.

Anyhow, some of Gwen Stefani's members just so happened to be members of the "give bugs a chance" foundation, and wouldnt help us mercilessly slaughter the swarms of mobs anymore, leaving us with a few open slots for Gwen Stefani applicants.



We want FULL raids nightly, and 35 people, hrmph... well IMO, thats not enough to put the swarms on the endangered species lists! So we are going to accept a few applications. Gwen Stefani is going to top off its ranks with quality players like yourself. Requirements, you ask? Take this quick questionnaire below and see if YOU are Gwen Stefani material:

1) Does it bother you to cause the extinction of certain species of plants and animals and wipe them off the face of the globe?
Yes / No

2) Do you live, eat, breath, and shit WoW cutting edge raid content, or would you like too?
Yes / No

3) Will you kick our druids in the nut sack if he doesnt cast gotw on you fast enough?
Yes / No

4) Are you a Pro?
Yes / No

5) When your kitten dies unexpectedly, did...
a. Vesperfall rub one out?
b. Barnset sat on it accidentally while eating a box of twinkies?
c. you walk into your room and find Prion banging your dead cat?
d. none of the above

If you awnsered Yes, No, No, No and D, then get the hell out of here. You lose at life and you will last as long in Gwen Stefani as a snowflake would last in hell.

However, if you answered No, Yes, Yes, Yes, and A. B. or C, then you need to see a fucking shrink, and you
will be a perfect fit for us! So bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore... wait. No, that's the inscription on the statue of liberty or something. Instead, just send a tell to Tothas, Roggendorf, Or Bassaren for a chance at joining the most talented, most handsome! (and probably the most screwed up in the head) guild in all of WoW! Apply soon before apps are closed again!



And the real reason you people read this crappy news update:

After so many complains about lack of content, Blizzard finally came up with a plan to solve the problem. We introduce you to the Hard Mode!



I don't know that I would call it hard really... but there are some change-ups as a result of this new content! Such as Holyshadude getting all wrinklefied from the combo of hard mode radiation and chicken salad.



Move up to the wrinkly old spinach eating duder!



A great big thanks to Blizzard for the copy / paste of existing raids with a new numeric limit of 36. Everybody just loves having the opportunity to ride the bench like that little geeky kid from that 80s football, I have a crush on the cheerleader movie.... What was it called? Lilliyth.. no.. Looppey.. no.. Lvz.. Nah..
Oh.. Right...



Ride the bench Bitch... Blizzard says that taking only 4 is supposed to make this shit hard!!



Unfortunately, the only thing this add-on has made hard is managing the multitude of guildmates who log on nightly wanting to raid, but find out that they're relegated to watching from the sidelines. YAY BLIZZARD! You've managed to make shit even harder for guild leadership to keep everyone happy! Happy fuck you to us! These days when we rotate people in to kill this gimp shit and collect new and 'improved' loots.. they're all excited! It's like Corky finding a Hustler magazine and actually getting to play with himself!



It's all good though... our bench is second to none. Those folks fighting to sit in Gwen Stefani's Entourage and collect officer favor on a nightly basis aren't just sitting idly by doing nothing. They're prepared to enter the fray at a moment's notice with all of the tools required by this new challenging content. Even Detsharapova who's been retired for a while is ready when we need him!



Aside from making this so called hard shit look like the Corky's homework, GS has ben eagerly awaiting the addition of some real challenging new content. We're looking forward to all that The Call of the Crusade has to bring. Our faith in what Blizzard has awaiting us with this new dungeon has no bounds! We've also witnessed the breakup of the century! Death by Lane.



While others in this world are finding love in rare ways. A special Warfare photographer camped out for 6 months to get this shot of Bassaren and Tothas in action to gain the love of the lovely Nefthys.




In other news Gwen Stefani is now selling Glory of the Ulduar Raider runs for 30,000. You can get yourself a fancy drake, some tier gear and some other gear. You'll feel like a real GS raider! And we will feel like Obama.



OH YEAH

GS has been very busy working. We've gotten down FL, XT, IC, Hodir, Thorim, and Vezax hard mode! The Grand Tree Wizard Bassaren has completed his fancy mace and cured his herpes. The elite 10 man has completed 10 man drakes too cause we're better than you are. Bassaren can now give people bubbles like this fat cat.



QUOTES!



I'll update more often and make it funnier later or some shit.

First off, we would like to thank all the little people that made this update possible. Without your hard work, dedication, and your very unhealthy obsessive lust for the best damn items World of Warcraft has to offer: we would still be doing Mimiron post nerf. Or worst, doing things IRL /cringe! Anyhow, great fucking job Gwen Stefani. Now only 1 boss stands between us, and total world of Azzerothian domination!!! Onto the update…

Typical message from stalkers of Gwen Stefani members.


Gwen Stefani might not of progressed through the instance as fast as those crazy folks in Titan BUT we still pwn pigeons like Titan.




It was a bright and airy evening… err wait no, it was dark and gloomy, because we were raiding fucking Ulduar, the prison of Yogg-Saron. Any ways, Gwen Stefani had been killing shit in this bright and cheery zone all week (We just love little green clouds!). Finally, after much toil and trouble Gwen Stefani approached the Old God. Gwen Stefani was ready to wipe Yogg off the map like dry ice wipes a venereal wart off Ameena's sisters ass. Well, we had engaged Yogg before, but little did we know what the event had in store for us when we got past the halfway point!!! So we buckled down and watched some informational How-To's, persauded to watch video's thanks to Neldorta's irrefutable arguement about how videos make you good.



TENTACLE MONSTERS CAME TO RAPE THE GNOMES!



We learned real quick, coming between a transforming whore/tentacle monster thing and his transient forcefully rape tentacles = danger Ameena! So we decided to go ahead and dismantle him Gwen Stefani style. I know how much you kids love hentai, so Gwen Stefani wants you too know, it wasn’t a decision we took lightly. In fact it took us a whole evening of turning the magic 8 ball and doing Oyster Shooters, before we decided to kill off every mans favorite deity, the rape monster Cthulu. /sadface.




Gotta listen to the 8 ball, IMO. He sure did put up a good fight, in fact he killed off a few Stefanites before he decided to take a dirt nap. However, that didn’t stop us from planting the Gwen Stefani boot where the light don’t shine...



Many congratulations everyone. Loot to Engy on t8.5 shouders for 2 piece, Tothas on t8.5 shoulders for 4 piece, Taranto on some shitty cloak no one but Lyavin the Pessimist cared about and to Huntar_0235 on a mail chest I don't care about.

Thanks for taking the time to read our update, since you obviously have more free time than we do if you've read this far, please feel free to continue and read the interesting quotes below. If you find anything on this update offensive, please send a tell to Roggendorf. Also if you need a rez, buffs, strudel, heals, ginger whores from craigslist or cybers, please send Roggendorf a tell for that as well. Thanks Roggendorf you rock! BTW Grats on your shiny new...oh wait Engy won the shoulders. Please stay tuned, in the near future for an update, featuring the corpse of your favorite observer, Algalon.

Now is time for cake...quotes.

The GS 4 News Crew just returned from a very long and extensive trip to Blizzard to find out about the newest and latest Dungeon. Questions arose and interviews were requested. However, what we have found out is coming to you, the public first hand. This is late breaking news folks, and as always, can only be brought to you by your favorite News Crew.



Roggendorf Reporting:
In a recent survey, most Guilds have admitted to using Fish Feasts that helped them to “ bulk up “ in order to make themselves look better in progression. The tinkering gnomes will be looking into this and reviewing policies if there is in fact any violations involved with this. Word is the gnomes are seeking out Barry Bonds, A-Rod, and Mark McGuire for help on the signs and symptoms of using game enhanced food/drinks. We’ll report more as we get new information.

Senior Field Reporter Neldorta here,
As we were snooping around Blizzard Entertainment and looking behind the “ closed “ doors to see if we couldn’t find anything more in-depth about the newest expansion, all I could find was this:


Game Master's Callistenics

And



Further investigations revealed what we knew all along. That a mad hatter and a bunch of gnome like freaks were behind the master minding of World of Warcraft. Folks, I am here to tell you that THIS must be the reason why we experience zone crashes, and fucked up bosses. Because the little people can’t reach up high enough to push the buttons to keep the game working properly. The only questions that we at the GS 4 News Crew are still wondering is, why are they using metric when they should be using good ole' American.

Weather Man Dyscorde coming to you folks!



As you can see, we're gonna start the week off with a lot of Ulduar, followed up with a day or two old bullshit. Just to keep our edge honed. It looks like nothing but clear blue skies for the future forecast. Hell, when Dkeen one tanked Mimiron last night, and our DPS was higher on that event than its ever been before, it was a clear indicator of one thing... Gwen Stefani's gonna tear through the last 2 bosses in Ulduar like hurricane Katrina tears through New Orleans. Anyhow, stay tuned to your television as later on in the program I show you how to cook a chicken with a beer can! Jack, Terri, back to you!



Sure the new Expansion may be called Wrath of the Lich King, but thanks to our elite Teen Investigation Team ( T.I.T.), I think we’ve already discovered the secrets: Gnomes have penis envy and try to overcompensate for their lack of sexual performance capabilities by making life hard for everyone else and fucking shit up.

We'd like to take a moment and thank Bassaren for his tenacity with sticking through the retardedness that was Mimiron for us. To help you better understand how he felt during our different nights refer to the following picture:



Ladies and Gentlemen, this just in. While team T.I.T. was having interviews with the Devs, and going behind lock doors and forbidden accesses, I was able to sneak around with my Gnome illusion. I was able to work my way back into the drawing tables of what is supposedly the newest and latest boss nerfs now that GS has defeated them. On the chopping block we have:

Flame Leviathan's New Vehicle


Thorim's Room has been redecorated compliments of Holyshado's Worst Nightmares:


Mindless DPS burning the Snaplasher on Freya:


Trying to date bombs on Mimiron through eHarmony:


Missing Tanks on Hodir:


The GS news team saw the movie "The Thing" back in 1982 (except elixie he's too young), so we decided to try and find the evil morphing gnomes by shoving a burning needle into petri dishes full of guildmates' blood! Makes sense right? Well we didn't find the evil morphing gnomes, but we did confirm that Injection is "hard gay." His blood, after all, was pink.







And upon closer examination through a microscope, this is what we saw:



It's not like we needed any further proof...



We thank you for tuning in to your favorite News Crew and allowing us to bring you folks, our viewers, the most recent updated, news breaking News in your community.

No Gnomes were hurt in the making of this interview. For that matter, nor were little people.

Quotes:

Keep on Truckin!


Come in WoW folk, come in, this is The Ruthless Toothless the Gwen Stefani trucker with a message for all you GS fans out there! Gwen Stefani has been hard at work lately grinding out Ulduar, and it's paid off! The Antechamber is cleared! Thats right... the second part of Ulduar went down to GS faster than Ameena's sister on a homeless mexican. IT WENT DOWN LIKE AZZO'S MOM AT A TRUCK STOP! It was a long hard road, but with dedication, commitment, and a little help from an overdose of no-doze, a big ass tire iron and extremely trivial encounters, we have crushed the ante-chamber! What's it like to spend weeks on one area, then finally defeat it in a win of epic proportions? Well we wouldn't know cause we got it in a day.











For the past two weeks, Bassaren and Detsharapova have been driving this big rig, as Gwen Stefani's illustrious officer and guildleader (life partners) through Ulduar. They are doing one hell of a job. We all enjoy following the both of them into battle (maybe not Bass), spilling the blood of our foes across the ground, and the glory of killing many small fury animals that happen to get in the path of our big ol 18 wheelers in Ulduar and everywhere else!

Also we would like to take a moment and welcome our new recruits. We have room for a few people like Resto/Moonking druids, Hunters, Mages, Holy Paladins, Holy/Disc Priests, any Shamans, warlocks who can CoE, and DPS warriors, but that's it. Right now though, we've got some very promising new talent thanks to our leaderships recruiting efforts. Any trial member that is lucky enough to survive the early stages of the recruiting process should count their blessings! Wanna know what it's like to be a Gwen Stefani trial member? Here is a behind the scenes sneak peek at how lowly trial members are molded into lean, mean, GS mob plowing machines!

First the Trial members are publicly hazed in guildchat as a right of passage into GS trialship!




When trials die to fire, eyebeamz or sanctum guardians, they're gently counseled by Detsharapova the Gentle:



Upon proving themselves to the guild and showing Gwen Stefani they are elite enough to wear the tag permanently, they are given one last choice! Join Gwen Steafni proudly, or leave Gwen Stefani in pieces... errr peace and app to trans



or



For some reason, almost everyone opts to stick with us... /shrug

Alright good buddy, before we sign off, Gwen Stefani wants to make YOU a promise. Very, very soon, you're going to see another update with the entire seige of ulduar defeated... We wont stop until every part of Ulduar is smeared across the grill of the Gwen Stefani semi! Till then, keep on truckin! This is the Ruthless Toothless, over and out..



DISCLAIMER: No furry animals were actually harmed during the making of this update; however, several new members were sacrificed in their place.

Also, at this time, we would like to thank Detsharapova for everything he has done for us and our guild! Detsharapova is Gwen Stefani's superb guild leader for quite some time. He has led us through many victories, put up with more shit than any one man should have to (even for a man who wears a dress on the weekend). So Detsharapova, today we /salutes you Mr. High End Guild Leader Guy!


(Cue Bud Light commercial music)
Gwen Stefani Presents: Real Men of World of Warcraft
(Real men of Worldofwarcraft)

Today we salute you, Mr. High-End-Guild-Leader-Guy.
(Mr. High-End-Guild-Leader-Guy)

You've given us the real Northrend dream: countless hours of being killed by raid mobs to give us phat epics.
(Tier pieces for all)

Pushing the guild to its limits, you kept our repair monies plentiful and our repair bills low!
(Shit my bow just broke!)

You had to mute people, because if you didn't, you might pull out all your hair from one more tell about how you should lead your raids.
(We should kill the adds not kite em!)

So crack open a beer, Mr. high-end-guild-leader-guy. You know how to keep 25-35 people raiding nightly, how to stop people from spamming guild chat during an fight, and when to say "eat a bag of shit you fucking cunt" and tell us we played like shit tonight! And also, how not to blow up an entire raid with a light bomb...
(Mr. high-end-guild-leader-guy)


and for no other reason that i find this hilarious